Thursday, July 10, 2008

Any Takers?

Up for grabs

#1: 5 years old
Focused: if allowed, can sit in front of the TV playing video games all day
Talented: insists that he's better than anyone else (including Mommy & Daddy)
Confident: has a big head but "that's because there's an even bigger brain inside of my big head"
Sharp: Very good memory, can recall things that happened years back and what you offered in a negotiation 5 months ago, that has yet to be delivered
Trained Monkey: will mimic you to a T: "That's really great G, you're doing a good job. Now leave me alone for a while so I can finish what I'm doing."
Will ask daily, "can I go to school yet?"

#2: 3 years old
Dedicated: will fight tooth and nail to convince you he's really 5 years old and just as big as his other brother and his brother's friend CM
Handsome: a mini Joaquin Phoenix
Outspoken: must always get the last word in
Determined: will go out of his way to get whatever he wants. "I want new undies" No, you can't have new undies. "Oopp, there's a little drop of pee pee on my undies so I better go get new ones on"
Great teacher: (see example in #3)

#3: 2 years old
Comedian: finds humor in taking diaper off while in the crib, moving cherished blanket to the corner, aiming his king in-between the slats in order to clear the crib, and pee on the floor, bonus points it accomplished while also making #4 laugh hysterically
Great Student: has been trained (from #2) to yell "eeehhh!" as a way to express your opinions
Smart & Rich in Omega-3: Fish fiend, can pack away a bag of goldfish in a blink of an eye. If he's done eating them, he knows that they are to be placed back in their proper environment: a bunch of water.

#4: 8.5 months
Mobile: Can crawl/slither his way to anywhere he'd like to get
Artist: uses spit-up as the paint and carpet/tile/rug/wherever-he's-at as a canvas
Vocal: can yell and squeal louder than anyone
Resourceful: climbs on top of his brothers to wrestle, but quickly gets off before he can be the one to get blamed for his brothers screaming

Chef: prepare at least 3 breakfasts, 3 lunches, and 2 dinners, and well as snacks for every 30 minutes. Have beverages on the table before food is presented or you will hear about it.
Maid: clean the toilet (and surrounding area) after every use, approximately every hour. Wipe down the table after all breakfasts, lunches, dinners, and snacks. Clean the sliding glass down, inside and out, daily. Be sure to vacuum rooms that were vacuumed earlier that day. Address the cob webs that have collected dust. Sinks should be clear of any dishes.
Secretary: Take messages, organize, and keep an ongoing shopping list. Must remember where everything is at any given moment.
Nurse: Tend to the wounded after getting at battle. Willingness to deal with blood on a daily basis.
Accountant: Pay all the bills in an timely manner. Find alternative means of keeping budget consistent while prices of everything soars.
Handyman/woman: fix the 50 cent toy that, heaven forbid, fell apart.
Gardener: Ensure all the weeds are pulled and bushes are trimmed so the neighborhood nazis (aka HOA) don't leave a sticky note on the front door.
Laundry Service: Scrub ketchup/mustard/barbecue sauce/spaghetti sauce/poop out of clothing. Iron, fold, and put away.
Personal shopper: Find clothes for everyone's constantly changing sizes. Accountable for not running out of food and having backup Goldfish, for #3, a plus.
Student: Make sure all the assignments are completed, free from any bodily fluid, food, or beverage before turning in.
A Good Wife: Needs to have undivided attention and spare time to sit down and listen to husband and occasionally go on a date.
A Good Mother: Needs to provide undivided attention. Willingness to sit and "watch" child's accomplishments helpful. Brush kids teeth, get them to bed at a reasonable time, read the books they each picked out, all the while trying not to yawn. Must also act as though you hadn't realized you have all boys and you don't have a little girl when someone points it out.
Detective: Figure out where the funky smell is coming from and then determine what is it.
A good Sunday Member: Must not lose it and yell at the kids when they start fighting during Sacrament meeting.

Did I mention there is no salary involved for these services?


Rebecca said...

You forgot to mention that the tangible pay is non-exsistant! You are really a super-mom in my eyes! You handle 4 boys way better then I ever would! That's a fact! By the way my mom really didn't know I was prego when you asked last month. Ha!

Danika said...

Hysterical! I've got 3 up for grabs right now. Wanna trade? I'd almost rather deal with 2 (or in your case, 4) boys' worth of drama than 1 one-year girl drama....

Tad and Jennifer said...

A dose of humor is what we all need!!! Glad life is treating you soo good. :o) I hope that you feel better soon. I enjoy reading your humor filled stories, (life).

Ben and Kaity said...

haha! thats just funny rite there...

Abbey said...

This is one of the best posts ever!You are too funny.

Grandpa D & Grandma P said...

You are such a clever writer. I enjoy your whit and tongue-in-cheek comments. I agree with Rebecca, you are one of those super-moms.

Anonymous said...

Love that you have them all characterized to a "T". You can send them to us... we'll take them.... They may want "Mommy and Daddy", but we would enjoy the company!

Give everyone a hug and kiss.



Dickson Circus said...

HOw TRUE this is! You could add "referee" for when child #1-#4 start to rumble?
My favorite part of motherhood is running to the store and fighting the kids, and THEN realizing you aren't wearing a bra!!
Never a dull moment. This post was priceless.

Lisa said...

I think this is an all time favorite post for me! So funny. And the way you described #3 taking off his diaper, I was crying from laughing so hard. I'll take every one of them.....unmet even! I'd DIE to have four boys with dark, dark hair. Wanna try out some blondes for a while? I have the bonus of my oldest two being 9 and 7, so they help out a BIT. (a vert small bit, but it does help!)

3girlsmom said...

hey not to worry. i am a blog stalker! hello 4 boys! have fun with that! good that now we can keep in contact with you all. saw your sister's blogs too and will have to save those sites. take care!

Katrina said...

What ever happened to all those gypsies that our parents said they were going to sell us to? I haven't had one gypsy, let alone several gypsies, offer to take my kids off.

You do indeed look like you are doing an amazing job, with humor intact to boot! You are awesome!

Phillips Family said...

This post is so funny. I love the comment about Baby #3 peeing out of the crib and making Baby #4 laugh. Great stuff.

Pollock Family said...

That was funny and I don't normally read it with no pic!

PS good thing no tickets were bought yet eh? :)