Monday, March 30, 2009

A new chapter

We will not be having an addition to our earthly family. Although the outcome is not ideal from our worldly perspective, we are honored to know that we now have a spirit that is waiting for us on the other side.

It was/is bittersweet.

Does it hurt? Yes; words cannot begin to describe the physical and emotional pain.

I am sad, but I am not angry. I can't be.

Long before this spirit was conceived, I knew some thing would be a different. I am glad my Father in Heaven had sent me promptings that something would happen. Of course I didn't have details, but that is part of His plan. If He revealed all details, we would never need to gain a testimony.

Faith is born when we put ourselves out there and do not have a single expectation of gaining anything in return. Faith is strengthened when we continue to follow His teachings, despite the circumstances and final outcome. My ability to survive through this ugly storm is not the result of chance or luck, it is my faith in Him and His craftsmanship. It is through Him that I will be able to bask in His glory someday, with my entire family by my side.

I know He still loves me. Although I was not granted the opportunity to raise this boy on earth, my story does not end.

A new chapter has begun.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

He answers prayers

77 hours ago, I watched an ultrasound monitor display a heart beat 112 beats a minute.

Today is a very much, different story.

I am not in a place to capable of elaborating right now, but I know that He hears and answers prayers. We are never forced to travel our journey alone!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Back in the "limbo" saddle again!

I have been taking my time in going "public" with our current situation. It's hard to share a story that has multiple complexities. It is hard to share a story that has the doctor puzzled and unsure. Words are hard to come by when all you want to do is scream and cry, but doing so would not solve or fix anything. Ultimately, I have no control over the outcome. Despite my desire to plan every thing to the finest detail, He has decided to show me that some things are out of my control.

To many, it appears as though I've got it all together. In some respects, this is true. In many other aspects, this is far from the truth. Our latest struggle has been a hurdle for me. A big hurdle.


August 2006 - My body became out of whack after having our third child. Brought it to the doctor's attention and was told not to worry because it could be "normal." I know my body and knew it wasn't normal. Little did I know what my un-normal self was in for.

End of February 2007: Positive home pregnancy test. We were elated to be expecting. Early blood tests revealed I had low progesterone. To sustain any pregnancy, levels need to be above 10, ideally above 20. Mine was 8.8. Doctor was slightly hesitant I would make it to the 2nd trimester. Early ultrasound provided relief as the baby was healthy and dated 2 weeks further along than originally thought.

August 2007: Had some spotting and beginnings of preterm labor.

End of October 2007: A healthy, nearly 10 pound baby!


And now, we are back in our limbo state.

It began with a positive pregnancy test. I had a beta blood test (which measures the quantity of free HCG. HCG is the hormone present during pregnancy) later the same day. Results: Progesterone level at a 5.1, which is very low. Usually that would indicate I hadn't ovulated, but the same test results proved otherwise.) Immediately started on medication. Thank goodness for good insurance because those things are expensive.

Two days later, another trip to the lab (with all four children in tow), for another beta test.

And again two 1/2 days later. By this time, there was definitely extra support from above. The children were perfectly behaved. They knew the drill: come in, sit down, and don't wrestle with each other touch anything.

And again two days later.

And again three days later.

And again two days later.

And again two days later.

And again three days later.

I was relived to hear that the doctor gave up with the testing. It was emotionally exhausting playing the role of a human pincushion. I became numb to the fact I was still bruised from prior pokes, and yet they were sticking me yet again. 1/3 of the time, my HCG numbers would double as they were supposed to, the other 2/3 they would not. On Wednesday, I went in for an ultrasound and things went relatively well.

What we don't know: Lots! We've been told every thing from miscarriage, various chromosomal abnormalities and/or defects, perfectly healthy baby, and every thing in-between.

As of now, what we do know: I should have realized how blessed I was to be so worry-free with the first three pregnancies. There is no longer the simplicity of getting a positive pregnancy test and then seeing the OB 8 weeks later. If it weren't for modern medicine, I would not be able to artificially sustain these last two pregnancies.

Prior to the ultrasound, the doctor said it was a 50/50 chance of going either way in terms of viability. But, in our favor, a heartbeat was detected. It is healthy for the gestational size, but is measuring a few days behind. It is flirting with the healthy/unhealthy growth rate border.

Right now, we remain in limbo; we may have an addition to the family in late fall, or we may not. We are living one day at a time. While we are uncertain of our future and what it will look like, the Lord's plan is not so uncertain. He knows my husband and I willingly accepted this hand of cards before we came to earth.

Now if only I could catch a glimpse into the reasons why. :)

Friday, March 6, 2009

Let the games begin

N got an award for getting 100% on all of his phonogram and spelling pickles. I don't know why, but they call various tests "pickles." N says he's super cool, Daddy says N's a super pickle!

The next morning, Daddy left a special note before leaving for work.

Embarrassed, N quickly erased the message and wrote,

"Mom wished she could be cool like a super pickle.

And so the games begin.