Playing catch-up

I'd be here 'til next year if I were to sit and write out all the stories between mid March and now. Instead, I will spare you the details and get you up to speed via photos.

The boys have climbed mountains,





and helped Mommy in the kitchen.




The California cousins came for a visit: translation, nights spent like this.




They got invited to go visit Uncle J's uncle's "farm." It may not be exciting for some, but check out the entertainment the cow provided by doing this click on the picture if you want to see stuff coming out of its back end




This little boy




loves to play in water, and was in heaven doing this




all afternoon. Meanwhile, the older boys had fun with their new (my brother-in-law's father) Grandpa Pollock and cousins, riding in this.




And went fast like this.

By the end of the trip, there were 2 boys who believed they were real cowboys... especially since they could bravely stand on the fence like this.




A boy turned 3 and had a small party while his cousins were in town.




Mommy thought she would throw a big party the day of his birthday, but didn't anticipate having a miscarriage the day before. Luckily she has some amazing friends who volunteered to throw together a last minute party, Mickey Mouse cake and all!




A boy found a utensil perfect for eating cereal




and a good book to read.






Mommy took a break from this,




and went with a friend to go do this.




And for two seconds, she nearly forgot about how resourceful he's become,




how the Top Secret location of the make-up is no longer Top Secret,




how Mr. G is an aspiring photographer and wants to capture moments like these, even if Mommy just happened to wake up minutes prior




how cocoa puffs sometimes get mixed in with lettuce,




how blinkers randomly get turned on for unknown reasons,




how knives get left in jars,




and an occasional monkey that enjoys a ride.

Mother's Day Tea

My own "Queen Joolya" crown

N's class threw a Mother's Day Tea; a special event for just him and his mommy. He was excited that the instructions were that he was supposed to serve me and I couldn't do anything. He had surprised me with a pink flower planted in a personalized [read: I love Sonic! I love Sonic heros. Sonic is the best. Mom loves Sonic.] flowerpot, a completed questionnaire all about me, and all the kids sang us songs.


Mommy Facts (according to N)

What's your mother's name? Joolya
What do you call her? Mom
How old is she? 26
How tall is she? 5
How much does she weigh? 130
What color is her hair? Brown
What's her favorite drink and snack? Lemonad and pbj
What does she cook? Chile
What's her favorite TV show? Spider Man
What's her favorite thing to do with you? Snugle
What does she like to do for fun? Trikc my dad (Trick my dad)
What does she do during the day? Sleep
What's the one thing she says to you most often? I love you!


Mom's Wish Express...
Wishes for Mom... clean the windows.
Wishes for Mom... I will take care of my brothers!
Wishes for Mom... I will snuggle with my brothers.
Wishes for Mom... I will help my dad cook so you can go to sleep!

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Apparently I have mastered my parental responsibility in preparing our son to become a great husband someday. Even though he's only 5, he knows that the way to a mother's heart is by making her dinner, cleaning her house, watching the children (and making sure they're happy), and letting her take a nap.

I never would have guessed

On Tuesday, Dear Husband joyfully volunteered to be a chaperon on a field trip. N was excited his group would only consist of him and his friend.

On Wednesday, Dear Husband was nearly an hour late getting home from work. I was beginning to worry and told myself I would give him 20 more minutes before calling the cops to see if he was involved in an accident.

15 minutes later, he pokes his head in the front door and asks the boys to go into the other room. The shirt he wore to work was meticulously crumpled up and in his hand. I could see in his face he was deeply shaken up about something.

M: "I was worried something had happened? Did you get in an acci....."

DH: "No I wasn't, but someone else was. Something told me I needed to stop. "

M: "Is everyone okay?"

DH: "Someone died on the scene. The worst part is, I'm almost positive I know the person who died."

I never would have guessed my son's friend and classmate would make news under such circumstances.

I never would have guessed my Dear Husband would spend a whole day with an amazing child, then the following day find his body lying dead in the middle of the freeway.

I never would have guessed I would be the person informing the school teacher and principal of what happened.

Wednesday morning, I never would have guessed I would spend 5 hours that evening in the ER at the bedside of the sister of my son's deceased friend; drawing pictures, making turkey balloons out of plastic gloves, caressing her hair and frequently kissing her forehead. Normally I don't do blood and guts, but when a girl's world has been ripped apart I do anything necessary to comfort her.

I never would have guessed I would sing the "Mommy loves me" song I sing to my children when they're sick or sad, to help comfort a child who wasn't my own.

I never would have guessed I would be one of five women allowed to attend a burial service that is traditionally NEVER attended by ANY women.

I never would have guessed a grieving mother would look at me, with tears in her eyes, and tell me my husband was the answers to her prayers. She prayed that an angel would come to comfort her after the accident and immediately my husband appeared.

I just never would have guessed.

A new chapter

We will not be having an addition to our earthly family. Although the outcome is not ideal from our worldly perspective, we are honored to know that we now have a spirit that is waiting for us on the other side.

It was/is bittersweet.

Does it hurt? Yes; words cannot begin to describe the physical and emotional pain.

I am sad, but I am not angry. I can't be.

Long before this spirit was conceived, I knew some thing would be a different. I am glad my Father in Heaven had sent me promptings that something would happen. Of course I didn't have details, but that is part of His plan. If He revealed all details, we would never need to gain a testimony.

Faith is born when we put ourselves out there and do not have a single expectation of gaining anything in return. Faith is strengthened when we continue to follow His teachings, despite the circumstances and final outcome. My ability to survive through this ugly storm is not the result of chance or luck, it is my faith in Him and His craftsmanship. It is through Him that I will be able to bask in His glory someday, with my entire family by my side.

I know He still loves me. Although I was not granted the opportunity to raise this boy on earth, my story does not end.

A new chapter has begun.

He answers prayers

77 hours ago, I watched an ultrasound monitor display a heart beat 112 beats a minute.

Today is a very much, different story.

I am not in a place to capable of elaborating right now, but I know that He hears and answers prayers. We are never forced to travel our journey alone!

Back in the "limbo" saddle again!

I have been taking my time in going "public" with our current situation. It's hard to share a story that has multiple complexities. It is hard to share a story that has the doctor puzzled and unsure. Words are hard to come by when all you want to do is scream and cry, but doing so would not solve or fix anything. Ultimately, I have no control over the outcome. Despite my desire to plan every thing to the finest detail, He has decided to show me that some things are out of my control.

To many, it appears as though I've got it all together. In some respects, this is true. In many other aspects, this is far from the truth. Our latest struggle has been a hurdle for me. A big hurdle.

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Flashback: August 2006 - My body became out of whack after having our third child. Brought it to the doctor's attention and was told not to worry because it could be "normal." I know my body and knew it wasn't normal. Little did I know what my un-normal self was in for.

End of February 2007: Positive home pregnancy test. We were elated to be expecting. Early blood tests revealed I had low progesterone. To sustain any pregnancy, levels need to be above 10, ideally above 20. Mine was 8.8. Doctor was slightly hesitant I would make it to the 2nd trimester. Early ultrasound provided relief as the baby was healthy and dated 2 weeks further along than originally thought.

August 2007: Had some spotting and beginnings of preterm labor.

End of October 2007: A healthy, nearly 10 pound baby!

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And now, we are back in our limbo state.

It began with a positive pregnancy test. I had a beta blood test (which measures the quantity of free HCG. HCG is the hormone present during pregnancy) later the same day. Results: Progesterone level at a 5.1, which is very low. Usually that would indicate I hadn't ovulated, but the same test results proved otherwise.) Immediately started on medication. Thank goodness for good insurance because those things are expensive.

Two days later, another trip to the lab (with all four children in tow), for another beta test.

And again two 1/2 days later. By this time, there was definitely extra support from above. The children were perfectly behaved. They knew the drill: come in, sit down, and don't wrestle with each other touch anything.

And again two days later.

And again three days later.

And again two days later.

And again two days later.

And again three days later.

I was relived to hear that the doctor gave up with the testing. It was emotionally exhausting playing the role of a human pincushion. I became numb to the fact I was still bruised from prior pokes, and yet they were sticking me yet again. 1/3 of the time, my HCG numbers would double as they were supposed to, the other 2/3 they would not. On Wednesday, I went in for an ultrasound and things went relatively well.

What we don't know: Lots! We've been told every thing from miscarriage, various chromosomal abnormalities and/or defects, perfectly healthy baby, and every thing in-between.

As of now, what we do know: I should have realized how blessed I was to be so worry-free with the first three pregnancies. There is no longer the simplicity of getting a positive pregnancy test and then seeing the OB 8 weeks later. If it weren't for modern medicine, I would not be able to artificially sustain these last two pregnancies.

Prior to the ultrasound, the doctor said it was a 50/50 chance of going either way in terms of viability. But, in our favor, a heartbeat was detected. It is healthy for the gestational size, but is measuring a few days behind. It is flirting with the healthy/unhealthy growth rate border.

Right now, we remain in limbo; we may have an addition to the family in late fall, or we may not. We are living one day at a time. While we are uncertain of our future and what it will look like, the Lord's plan is not so uncertain. He knows my husband and I willingly accepted this hand of cards before we came to earth.

Now if only I could catch a glimpse into the reasons why. :)

Let the games begin

N got an award for getting 100% on all of his phonogram and spelling pickles. I don't know why, but they call various tests "pickles." N says he's super cool, Daddy says N's a super pickle!

The next morning, Daddy left a special note before leaving for work.

Embarrassed, N quickly erased the message and wrote,

"Mom wished she could be cool like a super pickle."

And so the games begin.